journal entry 9.17.2024

Seeing as how I have to vent, I don't currently have a therapist, I'm waiting on the new case manager to call back (I've tried her twice now), and my friends are either busy or have so much going on that I'm trying to help them. I don't want to put my burden on someone else anyways. So I graze the surface and say I'm fine. I guess what I mean to say is I haven't journaled or kept one but by all the information I'm having to hold in to find a soul I can share my deep thoughts with I think this is a new beginning. I'm sure no one will read this most don't even know about this page except rare few but it will be my escape to talk freely about how I actually feel. 

    Lately I've felt like I was hit by a Mac truck with the way my feet have been hurting sometimes the pain is so bad I just have to go to sleep or lay around which isn't like me. Guess I need to call physical therapy for the 3rd time to see if they can get me scheduled for appointments so I can get the test I need to see what the damage is to it. Still hVe a shoulder that needs surgery. Hopefully not a foot too. But shoulder hasn't been bad as of lately. *knock on wood*

     I keep trying to have a posititive mindset, be more in tune with my body, trust myself and intuition, and find the silver lining in every situation. I've been doing daily tarot readings with my cousin each morning. I really look forward to it and I'm thankful to share that experience with her. I see her as kind of a mentor. I'm glad to have her back in my life for sure. 

School had been so difficult. My focus still isn't there bc of the switch up on my ADHD medication and it needs adjusted still. But biochemistry is hard stuff. Especially with learning online and no textbook. But none the less I'm passing and that's all college is is pass or fail. So I'm passing. Have even had biology related nightmares lately some of them quite funny lol. But not while dreaming it. I've been working hard at it and slowly my progress is paying off. I just keep moving forward. That's all I can do. But lots more YouTube videos to watch to help me better understand my biology class. I'm getting there one module at a time.

      New case manager will help me find an apartment and the help I need. There is even a place that's like a homeless shelter for the people who go to the mental health organization and you stay there a Month and they find you an Apartment. So that's an option too. I just keep getting triggered by even the littlest thing and it's not healthy for me. Some times are better than others. I just wish I could be the old me and do everything I did back then and wasn't in pain all the time and could do even more. Like I want to get a job but currently just standing on my foot hurts it even hurts to stand and talk to pogo. If I could hurry and figure out what's wrong or do I just fight through the pain? I mean I do for anything else but this is just a little much bc you use your feet for everything. I don't mean to complain it's just something I'm struggling with right now and it really sucks. I'm sure I'll figure it out though and maybe call physical therapy again. 

   Pogo has found his voice he says "pretty bird. Baby bird. I love you bird. What you doing? Laughs. Blows kisses. Makes video game noises. & walks talky chirps from my HAM radio. We are working on our perch of trust exercise daily bc I have failed as a bird dad and couldn't stand at his cage bc of my pain but I'm fighting through it just to do it bc I want to carry him around in a backpack and he has an upcoming grooming appointment I have to make for October for a nail trim and possibly beak trim. I hope my training goes well. Consistency. For sure.

Well I think that's where I'm gonna leave it for now. May come back later and write more. Gonna do this more often. Feel a bit better. Time to read to pogo and for myself =]