journal update 2.23.2024

Seeing as how I currently don't have my therapist and am in the process of getting a new one. I'm trying to stay out of my head and get some things off my mind. So gonna try giving Journaling a try. 

    Started going to a new mental health agency. They have more resources than my other place I was going too bc they are in my county. I miss my case manager most of all. She met with me every day for over a year and really helped me on skill building and building up my self esteem. It feels like I lost a huge chunk of my support but I know I have to walk this path in order to have the meds and help I need to keep going.

    The new mental health agency has a program for their patients that does extensive out patient therapy and helps you find an apartment. It's an option after I talk to my case manager about it. In the meantime I'm left in the air with anxiety of what is to come next. Or how the new place will be. I know I can't process my trauma where.im at currently and I'm constantly triggered bc of it.

    I'm getting burnt out on biology. Printed my notes and tried to read through them today but my focus nor my mind would really work enough to get anything done. I guess a little at a time is better than none at all. Though I think I'm gonna takena few day break until I figure out the living situation just study my notes here and there. Need to quit beating myself up for having to take a break. Be kind to myself and my mind and all that jazz. 

     My foot is still giving me he'll. I gotta call physical therapy yet again to get the ball rolling but I'm waiting to see how this living situation works out before making appointments I'll n3ed insuranc3 rides too. 

  Shoulder still gives me problems and hurts but my foot hurts wors3 and I use it more than the shoulder. Trying to get as healthy as I can be and working on getting my A1c down with the help of my new shot. Trying to get things under control so I can eventually have surgery on my shoulder & be healthier over all. Also been sleeping w my cpap at night and checking my blood sugar. Exercise comes hard for me right now bc of the pain I've been in. 

   Been back on my hormones a few months now. That's been nice. Only problem is my mom and dad refuse to use the name Aiden and address me as she and correct people in public saying she and people looked confused as he'll bc I don't look like a she. It's hard to use the men's room when out with dad bc he refuses for me to use the men's bathroom. So I have to hold my pee and not go to the bathroom bc I deff can't go to a women's looking the way I do. I've done had store managers get onto me. Really mom and dad don't even try to be respectful and call me by my chosen name. And dad just tells people this is the daughter and she likes to look this way. Which is embarrassing and degrading all at once. I can't even be me in this house. Another reason to leave.

    My other family members talk to each other every day and send pictures of the kiddos and not a one of them send me anything. I've tried to talk to them all but they would rather leave me out of everything. Which hurts but you know when you really need help who will show up and it deff won't be them they have chosen that path. I'm just the black sheep and bc I don't do for everyone like I used to I'm no good to them bc I'm not cleaning their house or babysitting their kid. I'm doing me and no one likes it. It's a lonely path but I am thankful for my adopted tribe/family. I've gathered a long the way. I just question what I did wrong for them to treat me the way they do. I've forgiven them why can't they forgive me? And do I honestly want to reconnect to people who just take away from me. Relationships shouldn't be one sided. And I just say fuck it now bc it's honestly not worth it. Hopefully I'll have a new therapist soon and this living situation works out. Gonna take it easy until then. This is just a little ramble and update will post more later on. I need to find something to do to keep my mind busy bc it's going to a dark place. Bbl.