12.13.2023

12.13.2023

11:45pm

It's Us.

Us Meaning The Parts Of You That Split Off Just Trying To Survive. The Multiple Personalities And People We Needed To Be To Get Through Our Trauma. We Have Made It This Far So We Must Be Doing Something Right. Our Team Has A Face For Every Occasion To Protect Us Because We Have Been Through So Much, We Expect The Worst And Prepare For Everything. It Shows In The Way Your Cargo Pants Fall Off Your Ass Because You're Always Prepared. 

       I Want To Get Into The Habit Of Writing Just For Myself A Journal And Place Where I Can Comfortably Express Myself Without Being Judged. People Tell Me All The Time I Should Write A Story Because Of Everything I Have Been Through, Well Maybe This Will Be One---Who Knows What The Future Holds.

      I Will Refer To Myself As "Us or We" When I Am Talking About My DID Systems [Dissassociative Idenity Disorder] As Well As When An Alter [Another Personality] When They Need To Write. Each Alter Has A Name, A Way Of Expressing Themselves & A Way Of Writing. Some Are Stuck In Trauma Time Where They Were Rooted And Created And Need To Realize The Danger is Gone Now. Some Just Remember And Some Feel Physical Sensations While Others Don't. 

       I Have Around 60 People In My Head So It Gets Crazy In There Sometimes With The constant Chatter And Since I Don't Want To Waste My Words Telling Someone Who Is Paid To Care And Can't Help Me Anyways..I Am Just Going To Write And Figure It All Myself. At Least That Way My Words Aren't Wasted. I Truly Hate To Waste Words---They Are So Powerful. 

        Since Last January Alot Has Went Down For Us. We Trusted An Ex Partner. Did All We Could For Them & Then Got One Hell Of A Rude Awakening To The Underlying Motives Of People, Even Those We Think Mean No Harm And Love Us. It Was A Hard Pill To Swallow Because We Were Literally Sold Out For Them To Save Themselves And Get Better Housing. My Ex Got Rid Of Every Belonging I Ever Owned Since Childhood, Important Medical Equipment, & Hundreds Of Poems I Had Written. My Alters Lost All Of Their Stuff That Made Them Unique As Well. I Lost My Doggo Betty White & Cat Puddin' I Loved My Sweet Little Fur Babies & I Miss Them Still But Know I Wasn't The One Who Separated Us. After The Huge Culture Shock Of Being In The Legal System And An Innocent Man I really Lost Trust In Humanity As A Whole. If Someone Who Says They Love Me Can Do A Dirty Deed Whose To Say Someone else Wont Do The Same? I Am Very Guarded With Anyone Who Talks To Me Now. Almost Afraid Of Them Honestly But We Have Had Other Things Happen To Us Recently That Have Just Intensified The Whole Trust In Society Kind Of Deal. On The Court Paperwork My Ex Even Stated That I Had Dissassociative Identity Disorder----Like Thats An Issue Because They Were Diagnosed With It Too. Thats Why We Understood Each Other. But Long Story Short. My Alters Were Really Shook Up By This All And It Took A While To Come Down From. Thankfully I Had My Work At The Animal Rescue To Keep Me Distracted. 

            Anyways, Enough Of That. I Released Them With Love Into The Universe And Realize They Were Just Doing What They Had To Survive. That Gives Me Peace Within Myself Also Knowing This & I Did All I Could And Was Nothing But Good To Them. Last Court Payment Was This Month & Charges Dismissed. New Ring Which Is The Eye Of Horus To Cover Up My Mistake Of A Tattoo [got my exs initials and a wedding ban on my ring finger when I proposed like a dumb ass lol]. Eh Mistakes Happen You Learn From Doing. We Are Just Glad Its All Behind Us Now And We Have A Clear Sense Of Direction And Goals We Can Actually Achieve Now. Its Finally My Time To Shine.

       During The Breakup I Volunteered With An Animal Rescue For Many Months Before Being Hired On. I Loved It There But There Were Some illegal Things I Did Not Want To Be A Part Of & It Was A Hoarding Situation I Tried To Help With But Realized It Was Too Much For Just One Person Especially After Taking Care Of Abused Pitbull Puppies In Our Pen Overnight Who Had Clearly Been Beaten. It Was A Sad Situation. While There I did Train My First Deaf Dog In ASL Signs. He Was Really Learning & People Could Tell A Difference. His Name Was Maverick & I Loved Him Very Much. I Miss him All The Time. I sometimes Beat Myself Up Over Leaving My Fur Babies Behind But I Know I Will Be Appreciated Where ever I go and That I'm In The Right Line Of Work That Provides Me The Most Gratification. I Did However Learn A Lot While At The Rescue and Have Plans For Future Volunteer Work At A Bird Farm & College For Vet Tech Starts In January. Excited About That And Hope They Get My ADHD Meds Right before then. 

Off to work on my bird of the week report. May Write More Later.

+BirdMan.