2.10.24

Sometimes I don't feel pain because my mind had to block it out to protect me then days later I feel the pain in my body as if I wasn't there before. Injuries I just walk on through because everyone expects me to. They expect me to stand back up be who I was before. A babysitter. A elderly care taker. Always needed at home. I wasted most of my life taking care of others and never once got the things I desired In life. I would work on family holidays cooking and cleaning for days in a hoarding situation at a young age and the. By the time the holidays were over I crashed and burned and ended up in the looney bin. Overwhelmed. Too many demands put on me. One person. But despite all of that I am grateful that I got to spend so much time with my grandmother. She taught me about the little engine that could " I think I can. I think I can I will I will I will. " Her and Grandpa Jim were my two favorite family members. Grandma and Grandpa told me about the importance of education and if you can dream it you can achieve it. She lived through me. Even threatened to blow up my school once when I was being bullied. And she was serious lol. Grandma was always my protector. I'd get upset with my dad and I'd run to Grandma's. I even did homeschooling there and lived with her as a teenager. She let me have my zebra finch named prince there. She liked hearing him sing. He was pretty. White with markings like a crown on top of his head and just a little below the eyes..black. I got him from a bad situation...rescued him really and I told him I would treat him like a prince and I did. 

I will never forgive my grandma ottie. She really upset me. I had prince for quite a while and one day she just decided she was going to give my bird to my cousin because her rabbit died and she was lonely. I wasn't thinking straight. I was so heart broken and my cousin was on her way to get him I knew my cousin was terrible with animals and he would be never have the prince life he deserved. I grabbed him quick. Kisses his head and released him with love. He stood a better chance there in the wild than with my cousin. 

She once had hamsters and left them for a week to go to her dad's and the hamsters started eating each other. I came over there and found the mess and had to take care of them. Too many hamsters in a small cage. Just ridiculous. She was always leaving cats in a cage on the back porch while she left for her friends or dad's with no food or water. I would go and release the cat bc they were wild anyways. Man she was terrible with animals. And she has a farm now. Animals in a small backyard in the middle of the city. Chickens, goats, rabbits, pigs, kittens, cats, dogs I don't even know what else. I just stay out of it and stay away from them because they are all nuts. Warped in the head and feel entitled to everything. Also dangerous liars and thieves. So much stuff stolen from us. People overdosing in the house. The Thanksgiving I had to play the floor is lava with people passed out on the steps and floor. My anger was really rising the more I stayed there and was treated like shit. Needles in the laundry. Couch cushions. Beer cans. Windsor. Strangers. And a grandmother who would always say your going to hell for being gay. Yet I was the only grand kid bring her and taking care of her. Our bond got better towards the end of her life and she learned to accept me as I was but not change her views and I was okay with that bc I respected my elders. 

There was never a dull moment at that house. And to make matters even worse then all of us cousins got together and did a seance In the house and people got scared because the energy was really picking up. A loud noise happened and everyone jumped over the coffee table with the pentagram and candles and ran out the door. My cousin sat there I a daze on the couch talking in a strange voice to my mother who her and my uncle came flying down. The steps when they heRd the screams. I snapped some pictures with my camera in the shot there are faces and wings behind my cousin. From then on the house got worse. I'll share more Bout it Another Day. But when my grandma ottie died the downstairs basement of the house was flooded with nice. Traps were going off like crazy and they werent there the night before. 

We also lost my uncle while living there in a tragic way. My brother was 16 and him and his buddy found my uncle dead In the creek behind our house on Christmas morning 2008. My mom blames herself bc she is the one who suggested looking In the creek for him bc his GF said to look there and was driving us all nuts. But he was missing at that point. The news was there. Crime scene investigators. Big lights behind our house that you can see quite.a ways away. 

Well that's where I'm ending this one. I guess that was on my mind. 

****Write more later****

Wel