1.

Okay so I'm gonna try this talking to myself thing bc I don't want to use the help of my friend anymore. She just wants to talk about herself. Is using me just for someone to talk to at night and manipulative. Always wanting to sue. And very negative. She's a narcissistic just like her mother. Anyways. Lol.

Right now I have pogo out for his fly time. Got some school work done today. Have 67 pages of notes to study for my test. Did the last module today now it's just the test. The next chapter is a proj3ct. Not sure what that entails yet. Gonna get a shower in a bit after taking the dog out. He's done well not having his Ativan today thankfully. The vet is gonna fill it soon. I've been trying to do everything in my power to keep him from whining and barking bc then my parents start and get upset and I just don't want to hear it and don't need the yelling so I just do whatever I can to make him calm as possible. 

Been taking little breaks to alcatraz every day

 That's been helpful and most days it is my me time and only time I get to myself. Weather it's 10 minutes or 30 minutes and I bird watch out there and sometimes disassociate which feels kinda good to do. To shut off my brain or go in my head and talk to every body in there. Some who are quite funny and better than the company of people. Idk what I'll do when winter hits but I guess just bundle up and go out there bc it's the only peace I get. 

I really think I'm doing better bc I been going out to alcatraz and getting some kind of time to myself. I also put myself and the animals on a schedule and that seems to be going good. I sometimes get tired of the same thing every day but at the same time it's nice to know what to expect at what time too.

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It's 4pm and the dog is out of Ativan. He's barking like crazy. I have an ear ache and every time he barks my ear hurts. I guess I shouldn't complain but it does. 

Just took him out again. He pooped so he should be good for a bit. Went out to alcatraz a minute. Didn't stay long. Probably should have though bc that's my only m3 time I get. But I don't feel well. Migraine and ear ache both. Blah. Always something. I'm not going to the Dr though I'm trying to stay away from them as much as possible. Dog is laying in my bed now. He's calm for the moment. I don't think he feels well without his meds. Prob has a withdraw effect I can imagine. 

I've only messaged my friend twice today and only bc she messaged me. I'm trying to avoid talking to her bc she is just so negative. Never happy with anything. Only responds when she wants to talk at night. She really played me for a fool but I caught on and my case manager said some pretty good things to help me realize it's not just me that sees it and that it is actually happening. Sometimes I question my own judgment. I know I keep bitching about her but I'm just frustrated and I guess mad at myself bc I was a fool. 

I'm waiting on my dad to get here with my nephew. I'll sit in the floor a bit w him. Then I gotta spend time with pogo and give him some love and attention. I try to do things at a certain time every day so I can get everything accomplished I need to. 7pm is my time to unwind but even that gets taken away from me when I either have to take out the dog or he starts whining. Poor guys anxiety is terrible I just wish there was something I could do for him. And my parents tell me all the time "he's fine" but clearly he isn't he's whining at me or barking. He needs something. They throw him out the front door and while it's okay sometimes he needs to go out fully. So I take him in the yard and let him sniff around bc I think it's terrible to force a dog to shit in a small space when they just open the door and stand at the door and let him out. So he deserves to be able to go in the yard. Sometim3s they tell me he's fine and then get mad at me for taking him out when I just had him out but I'm sure to let them know he poop3d so clearly he needed to go. Screw them. They would tell me he's fine or I'm fine even if my neck was broke. So tired of hearing "your fine" and when I'm sick lik3 I just told my mom I had an ear ache both parents get mad. Like they are allowed to have their medical issues and talk about them all the time without judgment but get pissed at me when I'm sick or tell me I'm fine. 

    Dog has been pulling on the leash a lot lately getting the scent of a cat thats been visiting the yard. It wouldn't be a problem w the pulling but my shoulder kills. I've really over done it the last few days bc I been trying to help my dad so he doesn't have to do much bc he's been sick and throwing up. They say it's a slow bowel they think but they have to do more tests to find out. My mom doesn't really do much. It's always her shoulder or her leg. Always talking about her medical issues with me. But like I said when it's me talking about my medical shit they get pissed so I just save my breath. 

    Shoulder has gotten worse lately. Idk if it's bc I've been doing too much or what but I can barely move my neck from side to side and been laying in bed any time I can to rest it. Pain exhausts you I'm finding. I been very tired lately. I just wish there was something the Dr could do to make it better. I been out of my anti inflammatory for a while now bc they never filled it and I don't see the Dr till November 18th. Sure I'll be out of some pills and I guess have to message them. Will have to see.

     Psychiatrist office still hasn't called to make an appointment. I'll be. Out of meds next week. This is getting old with the Dr's letting me run out of meds and have to suffer without or get thrown out of whack. I hope they do somethingbsoon bc I been telling my therapist and case manager and have called myself with no reply back even after they made calls and sent emails. Makes me nervous to think about being without some of my m3ds that I need. I'm already not on my kalonopin bc I've been out. Made them last as long as I could so I started doing edibles again. They help and help the pain but I can't afford to keep doing them. Especially with Christmas coming up and needing to make a vet appointment for pogo to get his nails trimmed. Then they are gonna start taking money out of my check each month to pay back what I made at the rescue. $100 a month. I barely make it on what I get now. Oh well I guess such is life I owe I owe I owe and I can't get a job bc clearly they will just take the money. If it weren't for all my health issues and my shoulder needing fixed and all the meds I'm on I'd just get a job and be a functional member of society. It sucks being "disabled" God I hate using that word. 😒 

Gonna take some Tylenol for this headach3 bbl.