Its All In My Head

Why do I keep killing myself for a cigarette? It's not worth it anymore. It's not worth the coughing. It's not worth the oxygen your gonna be dependent on. It's not worth the hospitalizations. that means time away from pogo. Your biggest problem is smoking. Why let it lessen your life. You have so much potential. You can do great things and you are a good person with pure intentions and that is rare these days. Let your light shine bright. 

 Its almost 4 am. Im up with many things on my mind. Figured I would journal and get some of them out and on paper...maybe out of my head so this may be a ramble but here goes... I've been living with my parents for over a year now trying to make the best of it despite everything I went through in my breakup. I Am constantly triggered because of childhood issues that are just continuously swept under the rug. Maybe one day i can talk about it. I'm waiting to get on housing lists currently. I filled out the list now I don't know where to apply next. My Case Manager is going to help with that. I See them May 8th.           This whole adjustment to new therapists and psychiatrist has effected me more than I thought it would. I miss meeting with my case manager every morning. It was our routine and we did skill building for DBT it was all very helpful to me. I Dont handle change very well but im hoping maybe if i journal that it will help some because real...

Mood colors 3.9.2024 10am: tie dye  Mix of yellow, red, green, & blue

I just got into it bad with my parents about getting my dog to the vet bc one of hucks nails got stuck in my ring and it hurt him My dad told me the dog was fine so I brought it to both of their attention that this has got to get fixed. And my dad said the dog is fine so I snapped and said if you honestly think the dog is fine you really have something wrong with you. This is getting bad if you think he is fine. And if you honestly think this is really okay you have something wrong with you. So I then said and when is he going to the vet? And then I said Mon said you were going to take the dog to the vet when you got your bonus and he hasnt went yet. Now when is he gonna go? Or am I gonna pay for it when I get paid? This can't continue you. Got screamed at And had to say all of this to him and over him yelling at me that I was starting shit. And I called them all terrible people. Mom is pissed too. But idc

Sometimes I don't feel pain because my mind had to block it out to protect me then days later I feel the pain in my body as if I wasn't there before. Injuries I just walk on through because everyone expects me to. They expect me to stand back up be who I was before. A babysitter. A elderly care taker. Always needed at home. I wasted most of my life taking care of others and never once got the things I desired In life. I would work on family holidays cooking and cleaning for days in a hoarding situation at a young age and the. By the time the holidays were over I crashed and burned and ended up in the looney bin. Overwhelmed. Too many demands put on me. One person. But despite all of that I am grateful that I got to spend so much time with my grandmother. She taught me about the little engine that could " I think I can. I think I can I will I will I will. " Her and Grandpa Jim were my two favorite family members. Grandma and Grandpa told me about the importance of educ...

Pieces Of Me, Splintered Off, Like A Picasso Bomb, But I Survived.  Yet The War Is Never Over.  Left With The Haunting, Battle Wounds, I Won't Let Others, See Me Bleed. I Can Feel The Phantom Sensations, Every Time I Go [Back]. Reliving A Personalized Hell, All Over Again. Hyperventilating. Escalating. Panic. Pain. Holding Breath. Like A Fish Without Water  I Breath, A Survivor. -redhanded.