Its All In My Head

Happy Halloween. Didn't get to do anything for Halloween this year but pogo and I last year watched the nightmare before Christmas and read poes work and tonight we are gonna do the same. So it's our tradition now. Should make for a peaceful evening. Waiting on my case manager to call now. I think we are talking about distortive thinking patterns today. Then I have school work today I'm really struggling learning and hope my psychiatrist when I see them can increase my adhd meds. Got chores to do today too if it doesn't rain much I need to pooper scoop the yard and pick up sticks. By the time I get to have my me time I'm tired from my shoulder pain and just do my to do list and go to bed. Haven't even been reading for myself. Just ready to hit the pillow. Been running myself ragged trying to take care of the dog and house so no one can bitch. I just want peace and no bitching. So I'm doing everything to keep shit calm. Been pricing heating pads and hoping I ...

Good morning.  Went to bed early and woke up early bc the doggo needed out. Was hoping to get some extra sleep in there but oh well. I've just been really tired lately and I'm blaming it on pain. New kind of pain in my shoulder and it doesn't feel too good. It's the middle of the week. Tomorrow is Halloween. Was gonna have a fire but it is supposed to rain. I guess pogo and I will just watch our movie. It will prob be nightmare before Christmas. I think he will like the music and drink some apple cider. Got the doggo on my bed currently and Halloween lofi on for pogo. Gotta do some laundry and a few chores, call the pharmacy and start studying my notes for my test. Still haven't heard from the psychiatrist as to when I meet with them. Hoping I don't run out of pills before then. They said they won't make me go without but I'm afraid that's gonna happen and I've been trying to make an appointment for 3 weeks now. Case manager meets with me every m...

Good morning self. Hope you have a good start to your day and get everything accomplished you need to. School on the agenda today. Gotta study my notes for my test. 67 pages of definitions alone. Very in depth lots to know. Then a project soon. Have therapy today. Gotta message her and find out what time. Hopefully It's a good session and I get out everything I need too. Meet with my case manager this morning. We do skill building everyday. It's very helpful. Yesterday we explored the emotion of anger. It's hard for me to describe or identify my emotions bc of trauma response.     Dog is still without meds. They get filled later today though. Poor guys on one bc of not having his meds. I just wish there was something I could do for him. I try everything Reiki, massage, outdoor time, treats, taking him out, play time. Just sometimes it's not enough. It's okay though he can't help it. And I love him no matter what. I just hate I haven't been able to take him o...

Okay so I'm gonna try this talking to myself thing bc I don't want to use the help of my friend anymore. She just wants to talk about herself. Is using me just for someone to talk to at night and manipulative. Always wanting to sue. And very negative. She's a narcissistic just like her mother. Anyways. Lol. Right now I have pogo out for his fly time. Got some school work done today. Have 67 pages of notes to study for my test. Did the last module today now it's just the test. The next chapter is a proj3ct. Not sure what that entails yet. Gonna get a shower in a bit after taking the dog out. He's done well not having his Ativan today thankfully. The vet is gonna fill it soon. I've been trying to do everything in my power to keep him from whining and barking bc then my parents start and get upset and I just don't want to hear it and don't need the yelling so I just do whatever I can to make him calm as possible.  Been taking little breaks to alcatraz every...

Seeing as how I currently don't have my therapist and am in the process of getting a new one. I'm trying to stay out of my head and get some things off my mind. So gonna try giving Journaling a try.      Started going to a new mental health agency. They have more resources than my other place I was going too bc they are in my county. I miss my case manager most of all. She met with me every day for over a year and really helped me on skill building and building up my self esteem. It feels like I lost a huge chunk of my support but I know I have to walk this path in order to have the meds and help I need to keep going.     The new mental health agency has a program for their patients that does extensive out patient therapy and helps you find an apartment. It's an option after I talk to my case manager about it. In the meantime I'm left in the air with anxiety of what is to come next. Or how the new place will be. I know I can't process my trauma where.im at curre...

Seeing as how I have to vent, I don't currently have a therapist, I'm waiting on the new case manager to call back (I've tried her twice now), and my friends are either busy or have so much going on that I'm trying to help them. I don't want to put my burden on someone else anyways. So I graze the surface and say I'm fine. I guess what I mean to say is I haven't journaled or kept one but by all the information I'm having to hold in to find a soul I can share my deep thoughts with I think this is a new beginning. I'm sure no one will read this most don't even know about this page except rare few but it will be my escape to talk freely about how I actually feel.      Lately I've felt like I was hit by a Mac truck with the way my feet have been hurting sometimes the pain is so bad I just have to go to sleep or lay around which isn't like me. Guess I need to call physical therapy for the 3rd time to see if they can get me scheduled for appoin...

Why do I keep killing myself for a cigarette? It's not worth it anymore. It's not worth the coughing. It's not worth the oxygen your gonna be dependent on. It's not worth the hospitalizations. that means time away from pogo. Your biggest problem is smoking. Why let it lessen your life. You have so much potential. You can do great things and you are a good person with pure intentions and that is rare these days. Let your light shine bright.